Weird Pairings Collection
by Kristine93
Summary: Collection of one-shots with weird Bleach pairings! For the Bleach Romance Contest.Story 4 "Frog Princess" ByakuyaOrihime
1. Cinderella Story JintaYuzu

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_**A/N: Well, this is for the contest. It might not exactly be what I'm supposed to write, but I stick to the idea that a story writes ITSELF. When I thought of Yuzu and Jinta, imagined those two in my head, let my imagination run free, this was what was born. This was the tale that pressed to come out and it wouldn't give any other ideas the chance to take a breath. So I don't regret writing this, I enjoyed IMMENSELY doing it and I put all the love and care I could in every and each paragraph. So read and hopefully enjoy. :) **_

_**Disclaimer: I don't know Bleach or the characters in it.**_

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Once upon a time, in Karakura town, a kingdom far, far away, there lived a fair maiden, named Yuzu. Her mother had died long ago and she had taken upon herself the heavy burden of taking care of the needs of her family. She had a twin sister and big brother (whom she preferred to consider as a sister as well) and a sweet, hyperactive daddy who ended up with a kick in the face from his kids for various reasons throughout the whole day, every day. It was an interesting life for a fair maiden.

The kingdom was ruled by a wise and very honorable king, known as Urahara, who rejected the old-fashioned crowns in favor of the beauty of green and white striped hats that were also very amusing to try to knock off. In addition, he enjoyed carrying around a very manly fan, because he didn't like to get hot.

The prince, named Jinta, was unequivocally the most charming creature ever to walk the lands of the far, far away kingdom. He had no particular aim in life, except maybe hitting baseballs with fat heavy sticks. Which added to his charms.

In one, not particularly special day in Karakura town, a very wise idea came to the wise king's mind.

"What could be wiser than the organization of a ball for all the beautiful maidens in my lands tonight!" said Urahara as he waved himself with his royal fan. We would like to add that aside from the fair maidens (after a few moments of musing) the king decided to invite everybody else as well (even though he still insisted on having mainly ladies) for he wasn't sure what he would do with a hall full of women only.

No sooner said than done! The town crier was sent to announce the news and it wasn't long before the whole kingdom was buzzing with excitement. There were maidens flitting everywhere searching for the right dresses and shoes, honorably and femininely (but not so gently...) dealing with other maidens who got in their way. That included lots of magnificent hair-pulling, tripping, screams, biting and kicking. Indeed, Karakura was full of most mesmerizing sights that day and even if it was scaring the shit out of the tourists, the wise king was more than delighted to have caused such a fuss with his wise decision.

At that same moment, there was a fierce discussion going on in Yuzu's home.

"I am very sorry to disappoint you, but I am afraid you cannot go!" her overprotective daddy announced, taking a self-important stance "For safety reasons."

"But how come sis can go!" Yuzu objected.

"Karin can take better care of herself." Isshin pointed out and his other daughter grinned.

"Yup, I kick ass!" The black-haired girl said.

And that was pretty much the end of the extremely fierce discussion.

That same evening, everybody left for the ball, leaving poor maiden Yuzu alone in her house. Being the kind-hearted girl she was, she didn't want to argue with her family (especially Daddy), but deep inside she felt very sad that she couldn't join them. After all the things she had heard about the prince and how charming he was, it was a secret dream of hers to see him in person and it seemed to her that tonight was probably the only real chance she would ever get. Moreover, even if she did decide to disobey and go to the ball, she had nothing acceptable to wear. How unfair could life be?

Luckily for her, not too much, at least in fairy tales like this one.

Suddenly, just as she was sitting in the kitchen, feeling sorry for herself, a small "pop" sounded through the house, and in a cloud of pink smoke there appeared a gorgeous little fairy with sparkly wings and kind face.

"Hi, there, little girl!" said the gorgeous little fairy "My name is Yumichika and I have come to help you!"

Yuzu gazed at the fairy for a few moments, blinking with confusion.

"Aren't you supposed to be a woman?" the fair maiden asked.

"New rules in the fairy codex." Yumichika said, fixing his hair "We only need to be gorgeous now."

"Oh." Yuzu smiled "Okay!"

"Right." Yumichika said, rubbing his chin thoughtfully as he scanned the girl "Now we need to make you look stunning... Well, not as stunning as me, that's impossible, but at least half as stunning would be acceptable..."

Yuzu smiled again. Yumichika ignored her, then pulled a mirror out of his pocket, looked at himself and nodded.

"I'm ready now!" he said, taking a deep breath as he closed his eyes, concentrating. Yuzu felt like she should close her eyes and concentrate, too, even though she felt a great urge to peek.

One minute later...

"You look _flashy_!" Yumichika announced, winking at Yuzu. She blinked.

"Are sure?"

"Absolutely! I've never seen anyone looking flashier than you. Yup, ever."

"But I'm wearing a tree costume..."

"You'll have all the dwarfs at your feet at the dwarf party!"

"I'm not going to a dwarf party..."

"You're not?" Yumichika questioned, frowning, then pulled a notebook out of nowhere and started searching for something. A few moments later his lips formed an "o" and Yuzu assumed he had understood his mistake "Right, you are going to the royal ball... Well, the prince isn't particularly a dwarf, but considering his height he doesn't need to be and you could... Fine, you don't have to look at me like that! I'm changing, I'm changing.... Sheesh..." the fairy took another deep breath and closed his eyes.

Five minutes later the fairy maiden was kicked out of her own house, wearing a baseball uniform.

"Here" the fairy said on the doorsteps, stuffing some cash in the girl's hand "Get a taxi. And come back before midnight, because the drivers take double after that."

"Wait!" Yuzu shouted when the fairy started to close the door "Why am I wearing these stupid shoes?"

Yumichika looked down at the girl's crystal shoes and raised a brow.

"Well, obviously, you look flashy in those." he said and shut the door.

Later that evening...

When fair maiden Yuzu showed up at the ball, all heads turned in her direction, fascinated not only by her unique wear but also by her gentle beauty. The prince was no exception and he, too, looked up and fell silent with awe. In the very same moment his eyes met the soft brown ones of the girl, something in the world around them cracked. Everybody in the hall, every single man and woman, disappeared, leaving Jinta and Yuzu alone in their newly discovered universe.

The two walked towards each other as if mesmerized, words failing to come out right, hearts refusing to cease their wild throbbing. It was inexplicable, yet it felt absolutely right and neither of them dared questioning it. Why would they? There were too many things out there without explanation, so really, why _would they_ clutch to the very one that flamed nothing but joy into their chests?

The night flew so quickly, it was frightening. As soon as Jinta and Yuzu were done feeling awkward, they were suddenly talking without a halt. There were just too many things they wanted to tell each other, too much that they wanted to discuss and way too little time to do so. It felt like a mere moment after they had first met when Yuzu noticed there were just a few more minutes to midnight and said:

"It's late. I have to go now."

"But it's barely twelve!" Jinta whined, taking her hand in his "There's plenty of time till sunrise!"

"I'm sorry, I had a wonderful time, but I really have to go." she pulled away gently and was about to add something, when a painfully high-pitched scream tore through the air, making them both cringe and look at the direction it came from.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH MY LITTLE GIRL!?" Isshin cried, pointing his index finger accusingly at Jinta.

"Daddy!" Yuzu exclaimed, her hands shooting up to cover her mouth.

"I think that's her boyfriend." Karin announced calmly and another heart-breaking scream tore from daddy's throat.

"He looks upset." Jinta pointed out carefully, just to be granted with another scream.

"HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME!" Daddy cried, suddenly clutching to Ichigo's arm.

"I didn't do anything! Let me go!" Ichigo yelled, trying to unhook his father's hands from his body.

"HOW COULD SHE DO THIS TO ME!!" Daddy continued, almost knocking his son off balance as he shook him with desperation.

"Great. Now he'll go emo about it!" Karin groaned, folding her arms in front of her chest.

"Um, I..." Jinta began, shifting his head to look at Yuzu, but the brown-haired girl was already staring with wide-eyes at the clock on the wall.

"I have to go! Bye!" she suddenly screamed and darted out of the door. Without a second thought Jinta ran after her, leaving a very messy sight behind him.

"Wait! I don't even know your name!" the prince shouted but she was already too far away. He saw her catch a taxi in the distance and after that she was gone for good. The only thing she left was a single shoe of crystal, laying forgotten on the floor.

When he came back, the hysterical family had disappeared as well and he had no real clue of how to find his beloved now. Luckily for him, the wise king had seen everything and was ready to help with a bit of wise advice.

"You should go around and try this shoe on every girl in the town and that way you will find your girl." Urahara said. Jinta glanced at him and let out a low scoff.

"Yeah, right. I'm just gonna ask around where the most overprotective and hyperactive father lives."

Jinta had obviously inherited his wisdom from his father. Soon enough he found his beloved and they lived happily ever after!

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_**Reviews would be appreciated! ^^**_


	2. Snow White Or something UkitakeKiyone

**A/N: Wow, I made it to the second round of the Bleach contest, isn't it awesome?I know, right?! **

**Anyway, second task is - ouch - UkitakexKiyone**

**How cruel can life be? I need a hug here, please.**

**So, here we go, the second story for the contest. Side pairing will be... yes, you guessed it, HitsuMatsu, because, yeah, I'm a fuckin' fangirl and I'll most likely (VERY subconsciously) try to put them in every non-HitsuMatsu one-shot I write. Yup, that's the case, so deal with it.**

**I'm publishing this earlier than I planned because I'll be very busy the newt few days, especially with the school starting and, well, half the world having birthdays (including mom) and all, I don't really have a choice, do I?  
**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach or the characters in it.**

**Oh, and read miss Uneventful Days' story for the contest when it comes out, cuz she's a really awesome writer and her original idea was to make a fairy tale twist on Snow White like this one and when we discovered we had the same idea at first we both agreed we're not dumping our stories, but after awhile she did anyway. And I can't help it if I feel slightly bad about it, even though she said it had nothing to do with me and, well, her new idea totally rocks, so check it out, k?  
**

**Back to me. Lots of crack in this story, but you knew what you were getting yourself into. Sorry.  
**

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**Snow White!...Or something...**

Once upon a time, in Sereitei, a kingdom far, far away, there lived a fair princess, named Kiyone Kotetsu. Though with an extremely uncommon hairstyle for a princess, she was dashing and absolutely lovely in every (other) way possible, and her princess life seemed most certainly perfect and promising. Everybody could confirm that, even the royal hairdresser. You can go ask him yourself, if you don't believe me.

Anyway, so our heroine's mother had died long ago, leaving her father all alone in the cruel world... ahem, the very much criminally saturated far, far away kingdom... and for several not-so-happy years he had stayed a widower. How very noble of him. Eventually, the nobleness wore out and he married again and his second wife was, of course, sweet, beautiful and charming and all, but she had one rather annoying flaw - a son. Said son was extremely weird and had strange obsessions, so nobody blamed the new queen when she left her boy in the castle before fleeing with the king to some unknown resort for a long and peaceful, child-less honey-moon. Oh, the joy...

Back to the story. The intro is pretty much in place now, so let's get to the real action.

I guess it all began when Kiyone's new stepbrother Sentaro (who really enjoyed collecting trashy objects from the streets of Sereitei) found a very interesting magic mirror, called "Evil AIZEN".

"Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the coolest of them all?" Sentaro asked one day, taking a very manly stance in front of the said looking glass. The mirror emitted a groan of irritation, angry for being woken up before noon and in a swirl of sparkly pink smoke a very familiar overly-gelled head appeared floating in the magic frame.

"What do you want?" the mirror spat, glaring daggers at the molester. Sentaro frowned, clearing his throat and put his hands on his hips, trying to look even manlier.

"Mirror, mirror on the wall, I want to know who's the coolest of them all." the stepbrother declared.

"Ah, right." Aizen snorted "How fascinating... And here I thought it would be something important. Like the weather forecast."

"Mirror, mirror on the wall..."

"Alright, alright, cut it out already! Jeez. It's Kiyone, okay? Now let me sleep, I hate it when..."

"KIYONE!" Sentaro shrieked, making the floating Aizen head wince "But mirror, mirror on the wall, how come she's the coolest of them all? ...and not me?"

"She's hot and she doesn't ask mirrors absurd questions?" the magic object replied, rolling his eyes "Why don't you think on that?"

"But mirror, mirror on the wall!" Sentaro exclaimed "Whatever shall I do now?"

"You're not going to let it go, are you?"

"Nope."

"Ugh! Fine, then, I shall think of a genius evil plan to help you become the coolest of them all! And then you'll leave me alone."

It took the magic mirror three days and three nights to think of the genius evil plan to reduce Kiyone's coolness, but when he finally did, it was more brilliant than anyone had imagined.

"Just make someone take her out in the woods and... then bring you her heart." Aizen suggested, an evil smirk forming on his lips. Sentaro gave him a quizzical look.

"And that will make her less cool?" he asked slowly. The mirror let out an exhausted sigh.

"Yeess, she'll lose most of her coolness without a heart." Aizen drawled, rolling his eyes with annoyance. Sentaro immediately beamed and with a loud, ear-ripping cheer dashed out of the room in search of a person that would do the job.

And, much to his own surprise, the stepbrother didn't have to look for one for too long. He stumbled upon a very much suitable man five minutes after leaving the room with the mirror. The stranger's name was Kuchiki Byakuya and he seemed willing enough to rip any person's heart out. Or liver. Though he didn't seem so fond of it when it came to kidneys.

Anyway, so Byakuya, who has probably already impressed the audience with his talent for being a surgeon, acted like a professional and lured the lovely fair princess out into the woods with a basket of shiny things and some pie. Then, when they were far enough from Sereitei for no one to see and no one to help her, he unsheathed his sword and revealed his true intentions. Cunning guy.

Anyway, so with the scary sharp object pointed at her, Kiyone figured she was in a bit of a mess. A rather sticky mess. Moreover, one that she couldn't find a way to get herself out of. The man seemed cold-blooded to his very core and the indifference in his dark eyes was frightening her to the point where she could not move a muscle, yet alone run.

She gulped. Surely enough, she could not overpower him. Especially considering the fact that she carried no weapon with her and even if she _did_, his scary looks were making her shake too violently to face a single blow. She stood no chance against him. Her only way out was to think of some unexpected contrivance to distract him, something really clever, something...

"Look! CHERRY BLOSSOMS!" Kiyone shouted, pointing over Kuchiki's shoulder.

"Where?!" the man exclaimed, spinning around. The princess let out a small laugh, then turned around and darted away at the speed of light...

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After a long time of running, Kiyone finally reached a small hut in the middle of a pretty green glade, with a nice little garden in front of it. The princess was puzzled by the sudden signs of civilization in a totally screwed up place like this, but decided to shrug it off and slowly walked to the fence's door. On the weed-grown sign at the beginning of the gravel path that was leading to the house, it was written merrily with sparkly pink letters, the following merry notice said:

"PROPERTY OF THE SEVEN DWARFS: STAY OUT OR YOU WILL DIE A HORRIBLE DEATH! NO, I'M NOT KIDDING!

P.S. This doesn't count if you're:

**1. The milkman**

**2. Bra-seller**

**3. Giving away commercial freebies**

**4. Tired of being sorry... **

_Matsumoto what is with your obsession with Enrique Iglesias' songs? This is a sign! Serious deal! And why the hell did you have to use a permanent pink marker!?_

_Sorry, taicho..._

**5. Interested in our glorious business**

**6. Pie-baker**

**7. Suicidal**

**8. Running away because your stepbrother tried to kill you**."

Kiyone stared at the notice with confusion, especially surprised by the additions between the 4th and the 5th point that were obviously added by two different people... Whoever the inhabitants of this place were they certainly were, at least some of them were, lunatics. Not that she minded. Lunatics were always fun.

So she stretched her arms and walked inside the house. She was so exhausted, that she slumped on the first bed she saw and fell asleep.

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"AAAWWWW! WE HAVE A GUEST!"

"Jeez, Matsumoto, why do you have to be so loud! Look, she's waking up... Stay on guard."

"Don't be silly, taicho, she's not dangerous... Hello, there!"

Kiyone opened her eyes with a groan and blinked several times until she adjusted to the light. Over her there stood a tall red-haired woman, with an exceptional chest, which really stood out and a big smile plastered on her face.

"Matsumoto Rangiku!" the stranger exclaimed cheerfully, shaking the princess' hand, then pulled away, giving Kiyone the chance to see a short, gloomy-looking guy with snowy-white hair standing a meter away from his companion "C'mon, taicho, be nice."

"Hitsugaya Toushiro." the boy grumbled, narrowing his eyes quite inimically at the guest as he folded his arms in front of his chest. The princess chose to ignore him and turned her attention back to the friendly female.

"You don't look like a dwarf..." Kotetsu noted, looking at the tall shapely red-head with confusion. Rangiku immediately pouted and pulled away, deadly indignation flaming in her blue eyes.

"Oh, this is discrimination, again!" the woman exclaimed, the threat in her voice making the guest pull back fearfully "JUST because I'm TALL doesn't mean that I'm NOT a dwarf!"

"Um... sorry?" Kiyone mumbled, sweatdropping "I didn't mean to... You're a dwarf as long as you feel like one. Very true."

Matsumoto's face immediately brightened up again and she beamed friendlily at the princess.

"Don't worry about it, apology accepted." the woman chirped, patting her guest's shoulder. Behind her, Hitsugaya snorted with irritation.

"Stop being so cheerful, Matsumoto." he scolded, before turning his attention to the princess "You, unknown girl, now did you read the sign?" he pointed with his thumb outside and Kiyone nodded.

"Sure. I match with exception 8."

"See, taicho? It's alright. Everything is legal. So, back to you, girly, I assume you want to stay?"

"Matsumoto, stop inviting people over! They might actually accept!"

"Yes, I'd love to stay."

"What did I tell you?!"

"Chill, taichoo!"

"Why are you calling him "taicho"?"

"No idea. That's what he wants. Perverted, no?"

"MATSUMOTO!"

"Oh, c'mon taicho, don't be so touchy! ...No, stop cursing and be quiet for a moment. Look, the girl wants to ask something."

"Where are the rest of the dwarfs?" The princess inquired, sitting up and looking around.

"Oh. It's just the two of us."

"Why? What happened to the others?"

"Taicho had an angry outburst." Matsumoto explained, shaking her head sadly "We don't like to talk about it."

"Not my fault..." the boy grumbled, looking away "They didn't do any paperwork"

Kiyone stared at him absurdly, then redirected her gaze to Rangiku, who mouthed an earnest "_true_" and nodded her head knowingly. Kotetsu was dumbfounded.

"Whyyy do I have the feeling that you don't do paperwork either...?" the fair princess asked, raising a brow. Matsumoto stared at her for a few seconds, obviously not sure what to say, then suddenly let out an overly loud nervous laugh, scratching the back of her neck and shrugged. Beside her Hitsugaya blushed furiously and found an interesting spot on the ceiling to examine.

"I have other very important talents." Rangiku pointed out and the princess couldn't help but glance suspiciously at the woman's assets.

"I... see..."

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"This... IS NOT HER HEART!" Aizen gritted his teeth with annoyance when Sentaro presented him what Byakuya had brought him "It's a heart-shaped _chocolate cookie_! ARGH!"

"So I'm not the coolest of them all?" Sentaro whined, his shoulders dropping. The evil floating head sighed with irritation.

"Fine... plan B."

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"I didn't quite catch that, what did you guys do for a living, again?" Kiyone asked, raising a brow at the two dwarfs who had announced that same morning that they were going to work. Hitsugaya and Matsumoto exchanged glances.

"We hold the whole watermelon and ice-cream industry in Sereitei." the boy repeated "Anything wrong with that?"

"Dwarfs do watermelon and ice-cream business?"

"Smart ones do."

"Taicho does." Matsumoto pointed out, poking her fellow dwarf's side. He swatted her hand away, letting out a small growl, then turned around and started walking.

"Cut it out."

"No, I want to poke you more."

"I'm serious..."

"You always are. That's why I want to poke you... There. Isn't it fun?"

Kiyone watched them with a mix of puzzlement and amusement as they disappeared in the distance, still arguing about the poking and shook her head before closing the door. And just as she was about to walk off and turn on the TV to watch her favorite soap opera, someone knocked.

"Oh, what now..."

Then she turned around and grabbed the knob, assuming Hitsugaya had sent Matsumoto to put her bra on, and then pushed the door open.

"Hi."

"Hello..."

Kiyone blinked, eyeing the person in front of her with confusion.

"What are you wearing?"

"Star Trek Monster Costume."

"Lovely." Kiyone murmured, examining said costume with raised brows "But this is not a psychiatrist clinic. It's the house of the seven (two) (lunatic) dwarfs. Read the sign." and was about to close the door, but the stranger started flailing his arms around frantically.

"I read the sign! I read the sign! I give away commercial freebies!"

The princess halted.

"Then what's with the costume?"

"An overly-gelled floating head told me to put it on."

Pause.

"Makes sense." Kiyone admitted as she tapped her chin thoughtfully "So what do you give away, then?"

"Apples."

"That's just dumb."

"I know! That's what I said, too." the person pointed out, then pulled out a large red apple from his sleeve and handed it to the girl "There. Write a letter to the Nezia Live (_**A/N: Read backwards**_) Company if you have any complaints. Bye!"

And with that the person was gone. The princess blinked a couple of times, puzzled by the sudden appearance and disappearance of the stranger, who, as she noticed, had a surprisingly familiar voice. She then looked down at the apple in her hand, shrugged and took a bite.

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"Great. A royal corpse." Hitsugaya groaned, slapping his forehead at the sight of Kiyone's body, lying motionlessly on the ground in front of the house. Matsumoto peeked over his shoulder, eyeing the girl with curiosity.

"There's an apple." Rangiku pointed out, gesturing towards the bitten fruit in their guest's hand.

"That doesn't make the picture less ugly. C'mon. Let's throw the body in a pit or something. It's marring my doorsteps."

"You're so cruel, taicho..."

"Said the person who poked me all the way to the office."

"I just want you to be happy!" the woman whined. Hitsugaya rolled his eyes.

"And I will be! The moment we get rid of the dead girl that's blocking my way to get inside my home. Let's burry her. Will that satisfy you more than the pit?"

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"Are you happy now?" Hitsugaya grumbled as he sheathed Hyourinmaru and gestured towards the giant ice cube that was now Kiyone Kotetsu "Because I'm seriously not humoring any other whim of yours. Ever. They are all just _sick_!"

"Aaawwww, you are being cruel again, taicho!" Matsumoto whined, suddenly glomping him from behind "How can you say such thing? I'm just exceptionally creative."

"Then create a bra and put it on. This is just disturbing." Hitsugaya mumbled, pulling away when he felt a small blush creep up his face and running a hand through his spikes in attempt to regain his composure.

"...I just want you to be happy!" Matsumoto whined again, putting a finger on her lower lip and giving him her most heart-wrecking look. Hitsugaya sighed and turned his back to her, folding his arms in front of his chest defeated.

"Fine. I won't complain." he murmured "But it doesn't make this any less pointless. It's not like someone is going to show up and bring her back to life again."

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At that same moment, the most glorious of all glorious princes - Ukitake Jushiro - was riding his horse towards the famous dwarf hut, because he had heard from certain sources that shall remain unnamed, that the princess of the neighboring kingdom (on whom he happened to have a serious crush on for quite awhile now) had been poisoned with a (poisonous) apple and needed to be saved by the kiss of love. And also, the prince wanted to buy himself a watermelon ice-cream.

So there he was, valiant and charming, making his royal way towards his damsel in distress. It didn't take him too long, because this is a fairy tale and we don't have time for him to tarry and dally around.

"Did you read the sign?" Hitsugaya asked the moment he saw the prince "Because we're not counting exception 8 anymore, see what happened to that girl over there?" he pointed at the hill near the house where the frozen Kiyone was "So sad."

"Actually, I have come to bring my princess to life with the power of my kiss of love!" Ukitake explained, smiling brightly "And also I'd like to buy a watermelon ice-cream if that's possible."

"Alright for the ice-cream, but I really don't think you'll be able to do the other, very noble thingy..."

"Why not?"

"She'll have to _melt_ first, you see." Hitsugaya pointed out, throwing a glare in Matsumoto's direction, who just laughed nervously and scratched the back of her neck before taking a few steps back "That will probably take awhile... We can camp around her, if you like. We have some stuff we can roast on a fire."

"Sure!" The prince agreed, jumping off his horse "You're so adorable! Would you like some candy?" and with that he pulled a gigantic sack of candy out of nowhere and shoved it in the disturbed Hitsugaya's face.

Anyway, so the three of them camped around the frozen princess, roasted food, ate ice-cream and told each other scary stories. Somehow, Kotetsu's coffin magically managed to melt by sunrise and Ukitake had the chance to apply the kiss of love. Which of course, worked beautifully, except maybe for the fact that the princess, being the gentle and delicate being she was. Spat the piece of apple that had been stuck in her throat right in his face. And the screamed. And screamed again. Loudly.

Eventually Hitsugaya got too frustrated by her screaming and on the verge of another angry outburst, planted a piece of plaster on her mouth to make her shut. And that was only because Matsumoto didn't let him shove the rest of the poisonous apple down her gullet.

Then, after things had finally quieted down, the prince had his chance to pour his heart and soul out to his princess and win her ever-lasting love and affection. His speech was so beautiful and touching, that Matsumoto burst into tears grabbed Hitsugaya by the collar and dragged him to the nearest pond with "the duckies" to make-out. In the meanwhile Ukitake and Kiyone got on the prince's horse and most gloriously rode back to the castle, where the king had returned with his new queen from the honey-moon and were both scolding their son for collecting trash from the street. So evil Aizen's mirror was thrown away, along with the Star Trek Monster Costume and Sentaro had to deal with not being the coolest of them all.

Ukitake and Kiyone soon enough declared their love to the world got married and went to a honey-moon in Hawaii, but not before signing a contract with Hitsugaya and Matsumoto's company to get a daily deliver of ice-cream.

And, very much expectedly, they lived happily ever after.

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**A/N:Yup, Matsumoto didn't wear bra half of the time. We live in a perverted world, my friend.**


	3. Blackmail is an ugly word IchigoIshida

_**A/N: Well, round 3 people!**_

_**I actually made it till here. Though if you ask me, I'm pretty uncertain about what will happen now.**_

_**This is my first yaoi story, people, so be gentle. I'm not even a fan of the couple. I don't know if I pulled it off. **_

_**So to help myself take this a bit less dramatically, I added my favourite side pairing! Guess who that is! XD  
**_

_**Hope you like it anyway :)  
**_

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**Blackmail is an ugly word**

Ishida's POV:

'Blackmail' is an ugly word, he says. Really? How about 'Renji, I'm gonna stick an arrow up your fuckin' ass the moment I have the chance to.' Is that an ugly sentence?

I can't believe I'm doing this. I can't believe I'm so willingly doing it. Letting him manipulate me like-... I should just tell him to go shave his stupid Shinigami head, or jump off a building or something. Or maybe I should just be a proud Quincy and kill him myself and then while he's bleeding to death at my feet, laugh maniacally and maybe stick a sewing needle in his eye, just for the fun of it...

...Who am I kidding? I'm just going to be his stupid slave for the rest of my life, hoping that eventually he'll just find somebody else to terrorize and leave me alone or go back to Sereitei and again, leave me alone. But considering how things are doing, he probably won't.

I cursed under my breath as I knocked on the door of Urahara's shop. As always, Renji answered rather quickly, opening the door wide and welcoming me in. Very much unexpectedly, I felt this sudden urge to smash his face with a shoe at the sight of that obnoxious, overly-friendly half-grin half-smirk that he gave me. But just as every other day, my shoes, along with his shoes, stayed on the supposed feet and his mug remained unharmed. From one of the doors in the corridor behind him, Jinta's head popped curiously, checking whether I was Yuzu and after figuring that no, I was not, just yawned and vanished again.

"Punctual as always, Uryuu!" Abarai said, grinning and then told me to go to the kitchen and wait for him there. I grumbled under my breath, and then headed there, mentally plotting his murder as I did so. I passed by the living-room, from where Urahara simply waved to me happily and then reached my destination, surprised to smell something sweet coming from there.

"What's going on here?" I asked as I opened the door and entered the kitchen. There was some girl bent over with her back facing me, checking something in the cooker. She jumped when she heard my voice and turned around abruptly, the head-cloth on her head almost falling off.

"Ishida!" she exclaimed, her eyes wide with shock.

"Rangiku-san, what are you doing here?" I exclaimed as well. She stood still for a few moments; the irises of her eyes round with shock, as they shifted up, down and about in search for some sort of trustworthy answer.

"Baking. Brownies. For Renji."

I was stunned.

"W-what?"

"Brownies for Renji. I-I'm baking."

I mouthed another soundless "what?" as I examined her with disbelief. She grinned nervously at me, scratching the back of her neck.

"...What a likely story..." I murmured.

Matsumoto's eyes suddenly narrowed as she examined me suspiciously.

"And what about you? What are _you_ doing here?" she asked, raising a brow as she folded her arms in front of her chest provocatively. It was my turn to search for a trustworthy reason for my presence and after realizing whatever I said would sound stupid, I just told her:

"I came to help Renji out... with some... clothes he needs to get sewed."

We stood there, gazing at each other expectantly for a few seconds then she sighed with annoyance and let her hands drop by her sides.

"Drop the act. Why are you here? Same reason as me?"

"And what would _that_ be?"

Pause.

"'Blackmail' is an ugly word." we both recited in unison and then nodded understandingly at each other. Everything was clear.

She turned around to look at her brownies sullenly as I sat at the table behind her, waiting for Renji to come and tell me exactly what he wanted me to do.

"They're going to be done soon..." she murmured under her breath, patting her slightly bent knees with her palms with a hint of impatience. I eyed her carefully up and down and I couldn't help it but emit a low 'hm' of confusion. She immediately caught that at spun around, giving me an irritated look.

"What?"

"Nothing." I said, fixing my glasses "I'm just a bit... surprised that Renji found something to blackmail **you** with."

She let out a wearily sigh as she trudged towards the table I sat at and plopped down opposite me, resting her face on her hand lazily.

"I could say the same thing about you but then again it wouldn't really be blackmail if Renji didn't have some really shocking information in stock that no one would expect to hear, isn't that so?"

I had to admit she was right, despite the fact I could hardly imagine there was something all that horrible that could force a dashing and proud woman such as Matsumoto Rangiku to bake brownies for Abarai for the sake of him not giving away what he knew. Mostly because I've seen her face all different kinds of vulgar, absurd, obnoxious rumors and walk out of the situation without ever once showing the slightest hint of being disturbed, or ever raising her voice. She's probably dealt with all the vile creations the human mind engulfed by envy could present to the world and she's just always seemed to me like the kind of person that can make people shut up solely by dismissing them all.

So what could it be that would send her here, doing everything Renji requested to save her reputation, the same way I do?

I was at a loss.

"So... how did you get here?" I asked carefully, looking at her over the frame of my glasses. She raised both brows, then let out a small dry laughter and shook her head.

"I'm here so whatever I'm here for doesn't reach people's ears."

"So it's really bad?"

"Really bad."

"Does he have evidence?"

"Let's just say one night I got very, very drunk and Renji just happened to be there with a tape recorder..."

"I feel for you. But I honestly don't see what kind of horrific thing you could've said..." I exhaled before adding more softly "...It couldn't be even remotely close to mine."

Matsumoto blinked confusion and curiosity settling across her face. The expression was gone in a heart-beat, replaced by disbelief and a tint of playfulness.

"I could bet on that." she purred sultrily but I quickly shook my head.

"I don't like the idea."

"C'mon, we'll trade stories and whatever is said here, stays here."

"Yeah, right..."

"We're in the same situation. You can always use my own story against me if it'll make you feel safer that you've shared your secret."

I eyed Matsumoto up and down earnestly. It wasn't that I didn't feel that she was worth trusting. I was pretty sure that whatever came out of my mouth would never be repeated, not by her. She wasn't that kind of person. But whether I was sure I could tell her something like this, something so personal that I still had trouble comprehending it myself, that was the real question.

I sighed.

I really had to get it off my chest and honestly, Matsumoto was probably the best choice for that matter. She was one of the most open-minded people I knew and probably one of the few ones that wouldn't actually freak out. So maybe sharing this with her wasn't such a bad idea...

"Alright... we have a deal."

Normal POV:

10min later...

"Oh my God!" Matsumoto exclaimed, making Ishida cringe and flail his arms around hysterically in an attempt to make her be stop being so loud "That's just soooo cute!"

"Stop it! There's nothing cute about it!"

"Don't be that way, it's wonderful that you've realized your feelings towards Ichigo. After this it'll be so much easier for you two to work things out."

Ishida let out a frustrated sigh, barely resisting the urge not to slap his forehead.

"There's no way that would ever happen." he snorted, pinching the base of his nose.

"Why not?"

"Mainly because Ichigo is a _guy _ and beca-... why am I explaining myself to you?" he quickly raised his hand when Matsumoto opened her mouth to reply and shook his head, letting her know he was not finished "I can't _believe _you think my situation has the slightest bit of hope for a happy outcome and obviously find _yours_ insoluble."

Matsumoto's smile disappeared and she looked at him seriously.

"You and Ichigo are classmates; you have all chances of ending up together if you bother doing something about it."

"And you and Hitsugaya-taicho don't?" Ishida asked, raising a brow. Matsumoto's lips curved to a side with a hint of annoyance that matched his own one pretty well.

"He's my boss and he's younger than me, imagine what he'd think if he finds out how I feel about him. Or how he'd react. He's touchy and reserved enough as it is, I really don't need him get all awkward around me."

"Well, maybe Ichigo will be the same way with me, don't you figure?"

They both sighed at the same time.

"If I wasn't stuck in this kitchen, I'd suggest drowning our desperation in sake in the nearest bar but I guess that would have to wait." Matsumoto murmured and at that moment the door opened, revealing Renji with a gigantic stack of clothing in his hands.

"This is what you need to fix." Abarai announced, dropping the pile in front of the very much shocked Quincy.

1111111111111111111111

Five minutes later...

"I really don't understand why I should go through the back door." Ichigo grunted the moment Renji opened the door to let him in.

"I wouldn't want you bothering the rest of the people here."

"Why? Urahara might get 30 seconds less TV watching?"

Renji gave him a sly don't-forget-about-the-deal look and nodded towards the staircase.

"I have some chores on the second floor and the attic; I hoped you would do them for me... Um, you'll get filled in without me; I'll go get something to eat..."

Ichigo glared at the red-head before heading in the said direction, dragging his feet noisily behind him. This was indeed very poorly cooperating with his short-temper and he had a hard time imagining himself doing it much longer. He could almost see himself snapping one day, and then blissfully strangling the imbecilic tattooed blackmailer to death.

It would be such a merry day...

"Hey, Toushiro." Ichigo greeted crabbily as he closed the door behind him.

"It's Hitsugaya-taicho to you, no matter what kind of humiliating work I'm forced to do." the white-white haired boy growled from the opposite side of the room, where he was balancing on a chair with a piece of cloth in his hands in rather pathetic attempts to, as it seemed, wash the windows...

"Right. It's _that_ exact same stubbornness that got you here in the first place, you know that, right?"

"Speak for yourself. You don't have any reputation to protect."

Ichigo's lips curved slightly into a smirk.

"I can't believe you, Toushi-..."

"HITSUGAYA-TAICHO!"

"...right. My point is how can you even think that you're in a worse position than me? At least Matsumoto is not from your own gender, didn't use to hate Shinigami and wouldn't despise you if you told her how you felt."

"At least Ishida is not one of the sexiest women around, doesn't get drunk every few days and is not your subordinate."

They both paused, giving each other funny looks, and then simultaneously rolled their eyes with irritation.

"Just mop the damn floor already." Hitsugaya murmured, turning his attention back to the windows. Ichigo cursed under his breath, then looked around, his eyes scanning the rather messy room.

"What with?"

"I don't know. How about _a mop_?"

"There's no mop around here."

"Well, go downstairs and get one."

Ichigo snorted softly before turning around and heading out of the room and downstairs. He had gone halfway when he heard a loud crash and even louder cursing, a small amused smile forming on his lips as he figured his comrade in misery had probably crashed down from the chair pretty badly.

11111111111111111111

At that moment...

"I'll be right back; I have to ask Renji something about the clothes..." Ishida murmured sullenly before getting up and heading out of the door. Matsumoto just "hm"-ed absently in his direction to let him know she had heard him and continued working on the next series of brownies. It was about a minute or so later when the door opened rather callously behind her, and a familiar voice boomed behind her back.

"RENJII! RE-... What are you doing here?"

Matsumoto turned around abruptly to face a very much shocked Ichigo standing at the doorway with his hand still on the knob.

"Ichigo!"

Pause.

"...Are those brownies you're baking?"

Matsumoto's eyes went wide.

"Um...no?" she tried, laughing nervously as she tried to cover as much space as possible with her body so Ichigo wouldn't see the cooker "What made you think that?"

"The brownies behind you?"

"What brownies?"

Pause.

"Is that Ishida's sewing kit on the table?" Ichigo asked, pointing at said object with pure confusion written all over his face. Matsumoto gulped.

"Um, yes, yes, actually... it is." she mumbled.

"And it's here because..?"

"Renji stole it."

Pause.

"That bastard!" Ichigo exclaimed and Matsumoto immediately started nodding energetically.

"Yes, he is a... horrible person, indeed." she said, settling her body diagonally in attempt to hide the cooker better "So what are you doing here, Ichigo?"

Kurosaki fell silent, not sure what to say as he gazed at her thoughtfully... Then...

"'Blackmail' is an ugly word." they said simultaneously, nodding to each other.

"This is unbelievable..." Ichigo said, his eye twitching with annoyance "This idiot Renji made a whole factory for slaves here! I can't believe he's dragged you, me and..." he suddenly shut up, his eyes going big and round with realization as he gave Matsumoto a shocked look.

"What?" she asked, frowning.

"Wait right here." he said before bursting out of the door. Five seconds later Ishida came in, carrying a new stack of clothes.

"What does this guy do to his wear, I don't get it...how does he manage to tear it all up?" he asked, dropping the pile next to the first one with irritation before looking up at Matsumoto "Hey, what's wrong? You look a little pale?"

Upstairs:

"What are you DOING, let go of me!" Hitsugaya exclaimed, attempting to pry Ichigo's hand off his wrist "Are you INSANE? I have windows to wash!"

"You can't wash a spork if your life depended on it." the taller youth replied, tugging the surprisingly resistant boy "I just saw Matsumoto downstairs, she's here for the same reason we are, so get moving, go talk to her!"

Downstairs:

"Are you out of your mind? I'M NOT GOING TO TALK TO HIM!"

"Why not? He'll come any minute anyway! Go SURPRISE HIM! C'mon!" Matsumoto whined, towing on Ishida's hand frantically.

"Nooo! Let me GO, he doesn't know I'm here! I'll just go hide in some drawer!"

Upstairs:

"Don't be ridiculous!" Ichigo snapped, now tugging with both hands "You won't fit in any drawer."

"Really? Try me!" Toushiro hissed provocatively "If you try bringing her here, I'll find a way."

"Why are you so stubborn, dammit!" Ichigo shouted, making the boy glare at him.

Downstairs:

"I'm not stubborn, I'm realistic!" The Quincy answered back, making Matsumoto roll her eyes with irritation.

"Ishida, you'll either move or I'll have to carry you."

Upstairs:

"I think you'll have to carry me!" Hitsugaya snarled and much to his own surprise, the tugging immediately ceased.

"Actually, this is a good idea." Ichigo pointed out making the boy's eyes shot wide open.

Downstairs:

"What was that?" Matsumoto asked, letting go of Ishida's hand abruptly as her ears perked up at the outrageous scream that made the whole house shake.

"KUROSAKI, YOU FUCKING MORON, GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME THIS INSTANT!"

"Is that..." Uryuu began.

"That's taicho!" Rangiku exclaimed, her hands shooting up to cover her mouth "Oh my God! He's here!"

"...why is he screaming?"

Pause.

"ICHIGO'S TRYING TO RAPE TAICHO!" Matsumoto screeched, rushing out of the room.

10min later...

"So no one is trying to rape anybody?" Matsumoto asked again, her arms wrapped protectively around Hitsugaya's shoulders from behind as she eyed Ichigo suspiciously. Toushiro rolled his eyes with annoyance.

"No, he was not trying to do anything of that sort." the boy assured her for the hundredth time, reaching with one hand to rub his brows "You can calm down, Matsumoto."

"I'm sorry, taicho, I just really don't understand what's going on here." she said, pouting.

"I bet Renji does." Ichigo pointed out, folding his hands in front of his chest "Do you guys think we should go ask him?"

Matsumoto glanced to the right, giving Ishida an urging look before wrapping her arms a bit tighter around her captain. The Quincy sighed, reaching to fix his glasses.

"Ichigo... mind if I have a word with you before that?" the black-haired youth asked, nodding towards the door.

"Sure..." Kurosaki nodded, following Ishida out of the room and shooting a meaningful look at Hitsugaya on his way out. The white-haired boy let a small growl under his breath before gently releasing himself from his vice-captain's hold.

"Matsumoto" he began, looking down "I have to tell you something..."

"I'm listening..." Rangiku nodded.

You can imagine that several minutes later Renji found himself stuck in a house where four people wanted to tear him to pieces, strangle, freeze, stab and poke him to death and then laugh evilly above his grave before taking off on their dates.


	4. Frog Princess ByakuyaOrihime

_**A/N: READ CLOSELY! Now... this is round 4. And this is the worst fic I've ever written. Goddamn this couple, I can't write anything with Byakuya! So there you go. I hate this fic but today is the deadline and I have no choice EXCEPT to publish something. Sorry.**_

_**AND NO FLAMERS!  
**_

* * *

Once upon a time, in Sereitei, a kingdom far, far away, there lived a valiant prince named Kuchiki Byakuya, who had very close friends in the hairpins and hair conditioner industry. He was such a handsome and mighty warrior that it was no wonder that the women in his kingdom voted him as the "royal member we desire to release a photo book for" and sent a professional spy-photographer (Kon) to get as many and as clothes-devoid pictures as possible. A few days after that poor Kon had to leave the country with a broken camera, none of the hugs his clients had promised him and a restraining order.

Byakuya had no interest in the women from Sereitei, for they did not possess what he searched for in a lady. The reflection of his desires was plain and simple and yet no one seemed to have discovered it so far. If only they knew how he spent his free time reading magnificent comic-books about large-breasted girls from the royal library... they would, without doubt, understand everything.

In those lands there spread the legend of a fair princess, as gorgeous as the sun and with the largest breasts the world had ever seen! The story told about how she had been bewitched by the evil flat-chested sorceress Rukia who envied her beauty and how the poor innocent girl had been cruelly turned into a frog.

Prince Byakuya had read tons of comic books about that princess. He knew all the details about the magic that had doomed her and the exact way she could be saved. And, being the glorious and almighty price he was, he was very much willing to save her... And her bust. The problem was where to find her.

So one day the prince decided to begin a dangerous journey in search for the lady, who was without doubt, the possessor of his somewhat malfunctioning heart. Brave to stupidity, the young man packed some food and clothes and with his royal nose proudly up-tilted, walked minutes and minutes until he reached the mossy pond across the street.

"This ought be it!" Byakuya announced "For I am too great and I cannot be wrong!"

However, that was not the needed pond, so the prince had to walk minutes and minutes more till he reached another pond.

"This ought to be it!" Byakuya said "For I am too great and I cannot be wrong!"

Well... it was one unfortunate day for Kuchiki...

* * *

Several hours later: semi-clean

"Dammit" he growled as he strode away from the twenty-seventh pond that afternoon, heading for the next one "This is harder than I thought..."

Byakuya reached his new destination promptly enough and pulled out a rather large bag of hairpins. Taking one of them he stood before the pond and solemnly dropped it into the algae topped water, repeating the action for the umpteenth time that day.

"Oh, no! I just dropped my favorite hairpin in this pond! Whatever shall I do now?" he recited, his face still like stone.

Pause.

"You're really dumb, aren't you?" a voice sounded from somewhere below "Do you really think someone will go fetch your stupid hairpin?"

Byakuya's eyes immediately snapped in the voice's direction, his brows rising ever so slightly as he searched for the source. Very much expectedly, there she was, sitting on one of the stones near the pond, a frog like any other with the only exception being a tiny stylish crown balancing on her stylishly green head.

And she was glaring at him.

Byakuya was being glared at. By a frog.

"You must be the bewitched princess." the prince said, the sides of his lips curving into a smirk "I have come to put an end to your suffering! Come and you shall receive the kiss for your salvation!"

The frog eyed him carefully, then let out a small huff and shook her head.

"I'd rather stay a frog than be kissed by someone who happens to have swallowed a whole box of lemons for breakfast."

Byakuya was at loss.

"You cannot be serious..." he trailed, frowning "A bewitched princess isn't supposed to be so picky."

"I am a member of the organization of protection of the rights of the female frogs."

"There's a feministic frog organization?"

"That was one racist statement you just made."

"Was it?"

"Yes. And it sounds weird, coming from the mouth of a man who puts hairpins in his hair."

Byakuya frowned, involuntarily reaching with one hand to fix the position of the hairpins on his head.

"You are unexpectedly hostile." he pointed out.

"Oh, am I? Well, you did pollute my home, offended my gender and made a racist statement over the span of about a minute, didn't you?"

"Not really."

"Hm! So you are also in denial?"

"...Just come over and give me a goddamn kiss before I've changed my mind!"

"I don't think so. You'll have to do something for me first." the frog demanded, her large mouth twisting into a sort of wicked grin. The prince's frown deepened as he folded his arms in front of his chest.

"And then you'll let me kiss you?"

"Yes."

"Alright." the prince nodded "What do you want?"

"Burn your sexist collection of comic books. And swear not to make one ever again."

Byakuya's eyes widened ever so slightly at the demand before narrowing suspiciously at the amphibian.

"How do you know about that?" he inquired.

"We, frogs, know everything." she proclaimed with a smirk.

"Oh, yeah?" he scoffed "Well, you don't seem to know everything if you asked something of me that I shall never, ever do!"

* * *

3minutes later...

"That was the last one." Byakuya murmured as he gazed intensely at the large burning pile of comic books he had created several meters away from the pond. He walked back to the frog and crouched in front of her, his expression one of full determination "I fulfilled my task, now give me my award."

The frog gazed at him for a few seconds then suddenly screaming at the top of her green lungs:

"ORIHIME, COME OUT, YOUR HAIRPIN PRINCE PASSED THE TEST!"

Before Byakuya had time to ask what was happening, another frog emerged from the pond, hairpin in her mouth, and she jumped out of the water.

"You're so mean, Kukaku-chan!" the new frog whined "You always chase the noble princes away with your demands, you should just let me handle it! Hello, there, Byakuya-kun, I am so sorry if we have cost you much trouble. I am the bewitched princess. You may kiss me now."

And so he kissed her and she turned into a beautiful and kind-hearted girl, while the other one, who was still very irritating and very much obsessed with the rights of the female frogs turned out to be the princess' loyal servant and also transformed into a woman, following the castle and annoying the hell out of Byakuya for the rest of his life.


End file.
